


Sayaka's Confession

by fullofimber



Category: citrus - サブロウタ | citrus - Saburouta
Genre: Angst, Drabble, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23057833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullofimber/pseuds/fullofimber
Summary: Sayaka is forced to speak her feelings, and they aren't all nice.
Relationships: Hikami Sayaka/Sakuraba Miyabi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	Sayaka's Confession

I love Miyabi. 

I don’t have any pride in saying this. I have no sense of victory, or excitement that she might return my feelings – whatever that could mean, if it were possible. 

I said it aloud once, when the shock of recognition was new and overwhelming. I didn’t even say her name; I had felt like her name would burn me. In truth, it felt like her name was already burning me, coursing white-hot through my heart, eating through me from the inside – but carelessness in speaking could leave a mark that everyone could see. 

So what I said was some cowardly shadow of the truth, sat seiza alone in my Grandma’s living room, breath shallow between my shoulder blades. My voice was full, though quiet, when I spoke, the pattern of her lips still warm on my cheek. 

“I think I love her.” 

It was the end to that year-long sinking feeling, the final, sickening thud as I hit the bottom. 

I spoke it like you speak bad news, blunt and unerring, with the knowledge that I could no longer escape the simple and arduous responsibility it demanded. 

This moment was not long ago; maybe three or four months, if that. My desire to excel at Aihara – and my urging Miyabi to join me – had pre-dated my knowledge of the feeling I had, if not the feeling itself. 

It was painfully obvious that Miyabi was languishing at her mid-rate middle school. She had transferred there halfway through her second year and, from some things she’d confided in me, she wasn’t enjoying it. Sure, there were no Hollywood-style bullies beating her up or taking her lunch money, but there were whispers, and a general sense of difference Miyabi couldn’t shake, no matter how small and unremarkable she tried to make herself. By her third year, she hadn’t made many friends, and, though her grades were brilliant, it seemed she got no recognition for them. 

In time, it came to be that all I saw in Aihara was a space in which Miyabi could thrive. She could complete high school in an environment where she didn’t have to guard herself, or shield her innate softness from bad actors. 

As deeply and as naturally as I knew my alphabet, I knew how they would value her – and I knew that that was what she deserved. 

That was my true north, while the world warped: still, Miyabi. 

It was Aihara’s instruction – the unerring example of its staff and, until recently, its students – that never failed me. It kept the consequences of irresponsibility stark in my mind; it kept my fists balled tight in my lap, where they couldn’t hurt anyone. 

I am not naïve. I know what lives inside of me. The feeling I get when I see her is like a long, vertical slice through my stomach, the warmth like that of blood pooling on its edges. It is like something dark and endless trying to claw its way out of me. I fear it too, as much as any other person, even as strong as my grip is, and as steady as my hands are. 

For I do love Miyabi, and I say it only for the sake of honesty, now that the question’s been levelled at me. I don’t lie, and, even if I did, what good would it do me? What sense would it make to pretend that I’m inculpable, when she – and my love for her – is the only thing that will redeem me? 

There is a story of a hero stationed at a door, face to face with the dragon that will bring the world’s demise. 

I love you, Miyabi. 

I can’t do this to you. 

**Author's Note:**

> I basically envisioned something like this happening if Matsuri called Sayaka out in Citrus+ 10.  
> Sabu has a real knack for making me love the most despicable characters. First Matsuri, and now this. So excited to see what happens next - hopefully Mei gets to come into her own and have a new character moment now she's reformed. If anyone can get through to Sayaka, it's her.  
> At first I was kind of over the new couple, but writing this has really made me reflect on their dynamic. I'd even consider writing more of them - maybe expanding on how they met and how they are in private - if I can make enough of it to write something proper.


End file.
